Tinder Part III, Photos, Disney

Hello.  I'm just going to jump right into the treasures I have found on Tinder lately.

What happens more often than not is that I totally forget to Tinder, especially when I am OUT, like, that whole trip to the west I just took.  I bet I could have found some real gems in Vegas.  Alas, I never remember.

Oh man, that phone, tho.  He is obviously wealthy and an amazing catch, made clear by the new technology and his P bling, etc.

There are an astounding number of photos posted like these two: 

See what they did there?  I'm pretty mad about Brandon though, because he has about 4 other photos like that, except I accidently zoomed out and swiped left, and once you left-swipe someone, you can never get them back.  Believe me, I tried on this one.

And then there are the guys who have these ridiculous fitness photos:

This is the best:

Women can not relate to these photos, unless you are the chick in the above photo, second from left.

Do you know what kind of profile to which women CAN relate?

Pizzacake.  That's who.

This may just be personal preference, but I swipe left to car selfies.

Especially people who are clearly DRIVING AND CAR SELFIE-ING:

And then there are a lot of guys who post who are clearly married.  With almost all of them, I swipe left so quickly because I have never understood their angle (or, perhaps, I understand it all too well.)  However, on this one, I decided to swipe right, to see exactly the game plan here.

Meet Rob:

Okay, so far, I would have been looking for an explaination of, "girl in pic is my sister," or something. That happens a lot.  But then...

Ummmmm....

But wait, there's more!...

  

That's it.  Those are all of Rob's photos.  So, I swipe right.

Within seconds, he's chatting with me:

This went on for another few minutes... just meaningless nothing conversation.  But then, I got distracted, and forgot to check for a few hours, and by the time I came back to Tinder, he was gone.  Sorry, you guys.  :-(

Well, that's all the Tinder there is for now.

And now to clear out my phone of other photos:

Remember how I told you about my step dad wanting a thermal engineer thing for Christmas?  I forgot to show you this picture.  After he unwrapped it, he was pointing it at stuff to take temperatures of things, including my cats.  It turned into just playing with the red laser dot.  This was very entertaining for him.

I had lunch the other day with some ex-colleagues.  One of them, every time I see him, he tells me that he loves his office.  Pimping out his office was one of the final projects I took on before leaving that job (part of my job was facilities.)  Because our ongoing jokes there were all Anchorman related, I pimped out his new office in mahogany furnishings, since he was becoming a big deal (moving from a cube to an office.)  I mean, I really pimped out his office.  Mahogany-lined white board, desk furnishings, paperclip holder, everything.  Now, every time we have lunch or whatever, he says, "No, like, legit - I love lamp.  I love, love lamp.  I love carpet, I love lamp, I love chair, I love everything."  It's very funny.

Food

First of all, is this real life?  People feed children this garbage?? 

Next, if you don't already know, I come from a group of folks whom share everything at the table.  If you are ordering a meal, and you actually want to eat it, you need to literally throw your body over top of it, otherwise, other forks are going to land in your food.  Especially if Sue is there.  I'm telling you this in the interest of warning you, however, many of you probably already know this.  Feel free to share your stories and sad tales (Meg.)

 

This is my favorite thing I make for myself: mini bagel covered in veggi creamcheese, an inch of spinach, over-medium egg, salt & pepper.  Just FYI. 

Okay, I'll have actual stuff to talk to you about next time, not just a bunch of random photos. Maybe.

Also, I have not seen the following Disney movies, and I am ashamed:

• Pocahontas
• Sleeping Beauty
• Peter Pan
• Robin Hood

Okay, laters babe.

I left work 10 minutes early yesterday to make sure I caught this sunset.  When I told my colleague this, she scoffed.  Well... some people just don't understand the important things in life. 

Warm hands, Full House, Fabulous

Heart of Steel

Over the weekend, there was an indoor archery shoot at Mayberry, up in Westminster.  It was a pretty cold morning, and the furnace at their range was broken.  I am usually a very warm person.  I rarely get cold; I’m kind of a walking furnace.  

So people at the shoot were using me USING ME! for warmth, putting their cold hands (and noses) all over me to warm up.  They were saying, “Wow, it’s incredible!  You’re so warm!”  

Sue then said, “Well, you know what they say… [[ pregnant pause]] ‘Warm hands, cold heart’.“  

One lady thought for a second, and then started saying, “No, I don’t think that is right, I think it’s… the opposite.. right?”  And Sue and I both laughed and said, “No no, that’s the case.  It’s accurate.” 

Heart of Steel, NBD.

Full House

I’ve been doing a whole lot of nothing lately.  I’ve been having some medical issues, (which I will talk about later, if you insist) so I have not even been wearing my Fitbit most days!  

Therefore, I’ve been doing a lot of going home after work and staying home.  Of course, then I do other things, like paint my bathroom, but still, I’ve been doing a lot of staying home.  This has led me to watching a lot of Full House reruns, and other 90s sitcoms.  

I already boast a razor-sharp, professional-grade knowledge of Seinfeld, Friends, King of Queens, The Golden Girls, and Everyone Loves Raymond, but I am a little behind with ABC’s TGIF 90s lineup.  The good news is that Jen has the razor-sharp knowledge of those shows (Full House, Boy Meets World, Family Matters, etc.).   So, whilst I am doing whatever I am doing (painting, baking) and I hear inconsistencies in Full house, I know that I can send a question to Jen, and she’ll fire back an explanation.  It’s actually pretty funny.

Weeks later...

I think I’ll plan out getting out of the house more around February, so until then, come on over.  Smidgen, Cow and I will be watching Full House.  There’s a spot on the sofa for you.   Bring Chinese food. 

Not wealthy, still FAAABULOUUSSSSS

It occurs to me that people must think that I am so wealthy.  This could not be further than the truth.  I am just ridiculously blessed.  

This past Washington State trip, for example  - guess how much that cost me.  Go ahead, guess.  For a 7 day vacation across the country.

I’ll just tell you:

$359.66 – Hotel & Car

$8 – Parking

$24.19 – Gas

And then the cost of food & a sweatshirt, plus some food to take home for gifts – let’s call it $120. 

PLUS, don’t forget my extraordinary cost saving measures of having a flu and keeping us in one place for a whole day.  Again, YOU’RE WELCOME, KATE.  The things I do for us.

Also, when you can't afford something, timewise or cashwise, do what I do - Go up to someone and just start photographing them enjoying it.  They won't mind.

Piroshky Piroshky.  A wonderous place with an hour-long line.

The line wraps around.  Nope.  Ain't nobody got time fo' dat.

"Hello!  What did you get?  Can I smell it?"

"You gonna eat that? Okay, go slow. I'm capturing the moment."

"Oh, that's good... yeah... take a bite... what's it like??"

It's not weird at all.  It's a way to make friends.  YOU'RE WELCOME.  P.S. Do be sure that you are well dressed, as this does not work if you look like a homeless bum.

Airfare was in points and by point donation, and everything else was just dirt cheap and Pricelined, and then we just did stuff that doesn’t cost money.  Hiking through the forest doesn’t cost money.

And, just befriend and be nice to those around you, and you never know what will happen.  Look at this drink.

This drink contains:

• Bailey’s
• Kaluah
• Grey Goose
• Amaretto
• Dr. Pepper

And it was courtesy of the SO FLAMBOYANT flight attendant on my way out to Washington.  And he just kept refilling my little cup (and only me.)  

It’s been observed that there is just something about me that draws the gay guys to me.  I love it.  They must just recognize or sense that I love them and am a fierce ally.

This flight attendant was so wonderful.  You know how Southwest is famous for their flight attendant flight safety speeches?  His was really good.  It went something like:

“In the unlikely event that the captain decides to make Southwest Airlines into Southwest Cruise lines, please put the inflatable life vest over your head and pull… but for those of you who ABSOLUTELY must do things the difficult way, you can inflate the vest by blowing on the red rube.  The red tube, incidentally, is the same color red as the speedo I will be wearing later tonight in the hot tub in the hotel in San Diego, if you want to come and see me.  Once your vest is inflated, just kick-paddle-kick-paddle to the shore.  You’ll recognize us, we’ll be the ones who are well dressed, with the liquor safe, handing out those world famous fresh peanuts.  If you don’t like the jokes on this flight, there are 8 exits…  In the event of a loss of pressure, you’ll see these LOVELY, designed-by-Coach-Versace-and-Martha-Stewart saffron yellow masks come down… if you are traveling with children, WHY???   Put the mask over the one with the most potential, as they will be the one contributing to your retirement fund.  Remember that things shift in the overhead bins, and it is SO MUCH PAPERWORK for me when things fall on your head, so please be careful.  There is a $2,200 fee for smoking in the laboratory, and we know you don’t have that kind of money, otherwise you wouldn’t be flying Southwest.  Just as a REMINDER, if you marry one of us, you’ll fly for free, however, I must warn you that one of us is very high maintenance compared to the other three.”

Well anyway, it was amusing.

FYI, this is in the future. 

Tinder, Fertility, And Assorted Findings

I know that it has been a while since I have posted.  I've been traveling, and fighting illness, so I haven't had a chance to sit down and write.  However, you people who read this blog, and then ask for more, are what encourages and reminds me to write, so thank you for your feedback.  

Some people even email me literally every single day with just the subject line "BLOG?!" and nothing else in the email, like a crazy, stalker, overly attached blog reader. 

It's great.  I love it.

Tinder - Time to SWIPE RIGHT!!!!(?)

One of my most beloved friends got a Tinder account and claims that she found the love of her life.  I do basically anything she tells me to do, so she tells me to download Tinder, which I do, and it is a total joke.  As in, actually hilarious.  I’M DOING THIS FOR YOU, BLOG READERS.  Mostly, for my married friends, who want to live vicariously through me.

  

I would like to present some of the best gems I have found.  You’re welcome.

I present to you… Alessandro

All I have to say to that is...

This intriguing and probably popular lover was found in the vicinity of Forks, WA.  You’ve got to be forking kidding me.  Apparently Forks has quite the BDSM scene.  In case you're into that sort of thing.  

Then there's this gem of a fella.  Believe it or not, there's a lot of this sort of thing on Tinder.

Ummmm.....

This guy got an immediate swipe left due to the fact that EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PHOTO IS WRONG.  Wrong form, wrong kind of bow… this guy is phony and a faker.  COME ON.  Joker.  Like Taylor Swift says, the fakers gonna fake fake fake fake fake.

More to come, if I remember to check Tinder.  YOU'RE WELCOME. 

Fertility

You know how I mentioned before that Pandora has been very rude lately regarding suggesting that my fertility is coming to an end?  Well now it is becoming more aggressive; it is actually inviting me to egg freezing conventions.

Facebook has also started making not-so-subtle hints.

Rude.

Self Envy

I have the app Timehop, which shows you your social media posts “on this day” from years past.  It’s awesome – almost every day there is a gem from something very clever and funny that I said in years past.

However, sometimes, I am just filled with envy… of myself.  I’ll look at a post and think, “What?... that’s crazy.”  And I’m actually jealous of my own history.

Flying over Greenland?  Ugh.  Jealousy.

Being white

Daniela keeps sending me links to articles about pumpkin spice and pumpkin beer and other things pumpkin.  Because I'm white.  I don't know if she's white or not, I've never asked.  Still.  It feels racist.

Out of sight, out of heaven? 

Hey, look at this sign we passed in Washington.

It says, “God does not believe in atheists therefore they do not exist.”

Thoughts, comments, snide remarks?

I know that I owe you some discussion about my recent trip to Washington, and I'll get there eventually.  Hold your horses.  Laters.